Things I’ve Said, But Wished I Had Not

Things I’ve Said, But Wished I Had Not

Greetings and blessings in the name of Jesus’ beloved Ministry Partners.


There is a Canadian Pastor I had enjoyed following for a while.  Then, I had not heard from him for a long time, months or maybe a year or two.  So, I decided to check in on him.  And what he posted recently hit home with what I needed to receive, and I am expecting it is what we all need for a reminder.  You have heard every point before, but he says it well.  


His name is Carey Nieuwhof.  In addition to serving as Lead Pastor at Connexus Community Church north of Toronto Canada, Carey Nieuwhof speaks at conferences and churches throughout North America on leadership, family, parenting, and personal renewal.  The following is what I found in his post.  Like him, regrettably there in the dark recesses of my history are the very same words I wish I had never said.  Now, to be perfectly forthright, these are not the only things I’ve said, and I wish I had not said.  However, I’m staying with Pastor Carey Nieuwhof’s chosen expressions in this post.  It is edited for brevity.  More of his work can be found at


He finishes with an attitude of gratitude, a topic most of you know I like to preach regularly.  Thanksgiving is a commandment and gratitude, or thankfulness, creates a rich environment for us to grow in Christ.  I hope you enjoy his shortened article.


Carey Nieuwhof: 

“Here are 7 things bad leaders say. I only know this, because, over the years, I’ve caught myself thinking or even saying some of these things. 

And I’ve realized that if I’m going to lead more effectively, I need to change my approach. 

  1. If I’m going to get it done right, I have to do it myself

So we’ve all been frustrated with the work other people do. And it’s very tempting, after trying numerous times and maybe even after working with numerous people, to conclude that no one can do the job but me.

That’s fabulous thinking if you want to keep your organization tiny and never scale it beyond your own personal abilities.

It’s also fabulous thinking if you believe you are the only person God gifted in your organization.

But if you want to grow, it’s a terrible way to lead. And it’s completely demotivating for the people around you to hear you say that.

Usually, the inability to do great things through others can be tied to a lack of clarity on your part as a leader.

If others aren’t doing their jobs well, there’s a good chance it’s because you never explained what success looks like.

There’s also a very good chance the definition of success you carry is 100% in your head; you’ve never written anything down. Or what you have written down is so general or vague it’s not helpful.

You can’t hold people accountable for something you never explained to them. Yet most leaders try anyway.

Clarity is a hallmark of great leadership. If your team isn’t measuring up, there’s a very good chance you haven’t been clear.

  1. My job would be perfect if it wasn’t for people

Yes, leading people IS the most challenging aspect of leadership.

Typing, for example, is far easier than leading people. Hit the “j” key and the letter j appears on your screen.

If only people were that simple.

Ask someone to type ‘j’ and they might think you said ‘k’ or ‘a’ or they wonder if that was a capital letter or small letter.  Or they might speculate why you want ‘j’ typed in the first place.

Leading people is going to tax you more than almost anything.

Leadership is difficult because leaders take people where they wouldn’t ordinarily go.

Think about that for a moment. That’s hard!

But please realize that as much as you joke that your job would be easy if it wasn’t for people, you wouldn’t have a job if there weren’t other people.

Often, if you’re really honest, when you’re mad at others, you’re really mad at yourself and your inability to lead them.

Figure out how to lead better, and you won’t be nearly as mad at people as you used to be.

  1. Listen….

What do you do when you feel like you’re losing control in leadership?

You try to take control.

You say things like “Listen…I’ve been at this a long time and…”

Ever notice people who start sentences with ‘listen’ rarely listen?

And when you stop listening, you shut down everyone else in the room. They instinctively think “well, he’s not listening anymore…so it doesn’t matter what I say or ask.”

Instead of trying to take control, ask a question instead, like “Is anything unclear?” or “So what are people thinking?”

It’s far better.

  1. I’m having trouble with your colleague

Every leader gets frustrated. The question is, what do you do with that frustration?

Bad leaders complain about the team to the members of the team. Big mistake.

When your team hears you speak poorly about someone else on the team, trust dissipates as quickly as a mist in the desert sun.

The team knows that if you’re talking smack about their colleague, you’re probably talking poorly to others about them as well.

Every leader needs a safe place to vent. Cultivate that. But do that intentionally.

Have a small team around you where you can solve your problems and talk honestly. Sometimes that’s a few people on the governing board or the top leaders around you. Or it might be a colleague from another town.

Two rules of thumb:

Make sure the number of people in that circle can be counted on one hand. Otherwise, it’s gossip and can quickly become unhelpful.

Focus the conversation on solutions, not problems. Otherwise, things will become destructive, not constructive.

If you don’t have a small circle of trusted people with whom you can solve problems, your frustration will leak out all over and do damage that can be difficult or impossible to repair.

Never complain about the team to the team if you want a great team.

  1. At least we’re doing better than               .

If that’s your standard, get a new standard.


  1. My people won’t let me….

I hear this all the time:

My people won’t let me spend money on leadership coaching.

My people won’t let me change the way we do music.

My people won’t allow us to consider that kind of ministry.

Your people won’t let you? Really?

Hey, when you were four years old, your mom wouldn’t let you do things.

But you’re not four anymore.

There’s so much wrong with the ‘my people won’t let me’ stance:

First, you just threw your entire crew under the bus.

Second, you’re the leader. So lead them. (If you can’t lead them effectively enough to change people, stop blaming them and look in the mirror.)

Third, if the change you want to bring about is unsuccessful for now, respect that. Back your people in public. Back them in private. Love them.

Love doesn’t always mean agreement. Love doesn’t always mean you feel deep affection for them in every moment.

But love and respect are linked. And you don’t throw people you love under the bus.

If you can’t love your people, stop leading them.

  1. I have to…

I still catch myself saying this and I simply need to stop.

have to preach this Sunday.

have to go to that meeting.

have to finish this project.

No, I don’t have to. I get to.

And no, you don’t have to. You get to.

The truth is, you don’t have to do anything. But you and I get to do a lot of things.

If you begin to think about what you get to do rather than what you have to do, you’ll cultivate a much more profound sense of gratitude.

And gratitude is one of a leader’s best attributes.

Grateful leaders are so much easier to follow than ungrateful leaders.

So be grateful. You get to do this!”

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